If You Could Have One Thing…

As we begin a new year I have been thinking about something. More specifically, I have been asking myself a question that is not an easy one to answer.

Here is the question:

“If I could have one thing now that I either don’t currently possess or that I do possess but would like to have more of, what would it be?”

I know some of you are saying right now, “Scott, you really need to spend your time thinking about deeper things.”

I agree.

And after you judge me for thinking this, you will likely sit back and think to yourself, “What do I want more of”? 

Here are some things I consider as I ponder the question myself:

1. More clients to grow my business

2. More money to buy and do more things

3. More peace so my stress level would be lower

4. More impulse control so I won’t crave Chex Mix at 9 pm

5. More time to do what I love when I want to do it - like play more golf

A Little Irony

Most of you who know me know that I am a fairly spiritual person. I often start my day around 7 am with some reflection time that includes a few things: 

• A 21-day prayer journal that our church is working through.

• A Daily Meditation by Richard Rohr called “Yes, And…”.

• Reading some scriptures from my Leadership Bible and writing a reflection in my journal on what I am learning.

Interestingly enough, as I have this question rolling around in my head, “what do I want / more of,” I sat down one morning this week to the following:

• The prayer journal lesson was about the places Jesus went in his few short ministry years. There was a collision between the realities of his heavenly kingdom and the brokenness of our fallen world.

• Rohr wrote, “It’s all about seeing…moving from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking at the highest levels.”

• My scripture reading was from 1 Kings - the place where God appeared to King Solomon and said, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you.”

• My journaling brought these three big ideas together: a) the brokenness of the world, b) being open and patient with ambiguity, and c) that God asked Solomon the same thing I was asking myself.

Pretty interesting, right? I have this question rolling around in my head, then wake up and my reading for the day is God asking King Solomon the very same question.

Now I am feeling better about my question not being silly or trite. I mean… if God asked it of Solomon it has to be a good question…right?

What Would Solomon Do?

As I continued in my journaling reflection, I began to notice that all three of these topics have something in common. 

To answer any of them, brings in the unknown.

• What to do about the brokenness of our world?

• How to be open and patient with that which is ambiguous in my life?

• If I could ask God for one thing, what should it be?

This realm of the unknown to me is like a big dark cave. It brings feelings of both anxiety and fear. I just really don’t like not knowing. I would much rather be in control and know. Give me certainty all day long over the unknown.

I guess this is what impresses me the most with this part of the story about King Solomon. He could have been selfish and asked for his kingdom to grow, he could have asked for money to buy more stuff for the palace. He could have even asked for impulse control so his tummy doesn’t hurt at night after he eats his favorite snack. Shoot, he doesn’t even ask to live a long life free of problems.

Think about this with me for a minute. 

God shows up to Solomon in a dream and says “Ask me for anything and I will give it to you.” Solomon, now in the driver's seat to be granted anything he wants….

Can you feel the drama building…. ?

He asks for wisdom.

Wisdom to be able to make good decisions and distinguish between right and wrong on behalf of his kingdom. 

What an interesting request!

Wisdom. This pinnacle of human development. 

Next week I will begin to unpack this idea of wisdom and leadership a bit more. I don’t think anyone would argue that in our world today, wisdom is something that is needed by leaders everywhere. 

Perhaps this is a good question for all of us to ponder, after all.

If God showed up to you in a dream and told you to ask Him for anything, what would it be for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

Think Differently as You Set Goals for Next Year

I’d like to share a story about an inexperienced leader named Charlie. He shows up to work early and stays late. He’s motivated to move from an individual contributor into his first front-line leader role, but he’s not sure how to make that happen. He’s getting grief from his wife for working weekends, and his heavy workload doesn’t ever seem to ease up. How can he move into a leadership role if he’s buried in his current role?

Charlie’s organization is offering a course on Leading with Emotional Intelligence and his boss is encouraging him to attend the class. Charlie feels conflicted. According to his research, if Charlie puts this training in the form of a goal that has a useful future orientation, he is more likely to get the results he is looking for, rather than to put the goal in some prevention connotation.

Research published in the Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies (Sadler, T., Gibson, S., Reysen, S. (2017), reports the effect of a leadership training program on consideration of future consequences. (Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies, 10(4), 35-42.)

To operationalize this a bit, let’s say that you have a team of leaders who are all functional experts; Human Resources, Engineering, Information Technology, Sales, Manufacturing, Marketing, Finance and so on. This team, in the past, while getting along personally, has conformed to operating in silos. Each person does a great job of representing their own function to the face of the organization, but as a team, they struggle to get the synergy that will propel them to the next level.

The sales leader was always trying to maximize sales and didn’t understand why Marketing couldn’t supply the customer segmentation data fast enough. And why did it take Engineering so long to get the prototype built and delivered to the client? Engineering, on the other hand, was frustrated with Supply Chain who just couldn’t get realistic estimates on how much materials were actually going to cost.

The president of the organization, realizing the leaders were all doing a great job of representing their individual role, needed to function better as a team. She was encouraged by a colleague to explore the idea of a training program that would focus on team building.

But would it be successful? Would the organization get synergy from the team development so that the return on the investment would be positive for shareholders?

A good question. A fair question.

Turns out the data is a little mixed on what should be expected.

A Little Background

It is no secret that organizations spend billions of dollars every year on training people in their organizations. Everything from skill-based training, like how to weld two pieces of metal together, or how to write computer code. Then, from more leadership-oriented topics like Leading with Emotional Intelligence or Writing Your Own Leadership Story, to team building events.

Whether the training is skill-based or cultivating leadership in our organizations, the question always surfaces as to what is the return on investment.  There is research that can help us determine if leadership type training is effective in helping leaders meet their goals. But it depends…

Goal Type

It turns out that when it comes to goals, leaders pursue attainment using one of two strategies:

1. Promotion: concentrating the efforts of achievement on positive proactive and productive results.

2. Prevention: targeting efforts on avoiding negative outcomes.

Let’s revisit our friend, Charlie. If his orientation is more to prevent something bad from happening or toward thwarting a negative future response, then his success in the training and as a future leader is in question.

How can Charlie (or his boss) orientate the training as to get a more successful outcome for him as a leader? If Charlie says to himself, “I want to take this leadership training because it will help me be a better coach and mentor to others in the organization someday,” then the aspect to his goal attainment has shifted.

Charlie is moving from individual contributor to organizational leader, and that is what is going to help him get what he wants.

How are you orienting the goals of folks in your organization?  Are you creating a positive, futuristic orientation of hope for the future, or are you trying to prevent failure?

The orientation of our thinking matters!

Oh, Those One-On-One Meetings….

Recently, I have been rereading CS Lewis’s autobiography, “Surprised by Joy.” If you have not tackled this one, I highly recommend spending some time with it. Lewis has a unique way of really opening my eyes to some fascinating ideas and contrasts. One that struck me was his approach to European poetry. For a long time, there was an order that the greats were to be read, like the Iliad and Sohrab (in that order). Lewis approached the reading of these classics and made this observation:

“It does not matter at what point you first break into the system of European poetry. Only keep your ears open and your mouth shut and everything will lead you to everything else in the end.”

I thought, what a powerful message for leaders. Keep your ears open, have some empathy, keep your mouth shut, display some impulse control, and everything will work out for you in the end. 

How many times do we not do that? We get mad, spout off, stop listening, have no impulse control, and then make bad decisions and are filled with regret. 

Sometimes leadership is about patience, humility, and relationships. Maybe MOST of the time leadership is about these things. 

Linking Lewis to Leadership

As I was reading the above section in Lewis’s autobiography, I was wondering where leaders could work to apply the lesson of “keeping your ears open and your mouth shut”. I had even done some journaling around this and nothing was coming to me.

Then I had a call with one of my coaching clients, who wanted to discuss his approach to one-on-one meetings with people on his team. 

When I probed him about the genesis of his question, he lamented that he and his direct reports just didn’t have that much to discuss. Especially to warrant an hour every week or two.  He felt up-to-date on their progress by the emails he received. And he felt the meetings were a bit forced and awkward.

As we continued our discussion, it became apparent to me that this leader was focused very much on the tactical outcome of his one-on-ones. This is the “what” conversation is all about. In this part of the conversation, the person on the team focuses specifically on the tasks they are working on, “what” they are doing.

What I noticed might be missing in the conversation were some of the weightier opportunities for “how” his leaders were acting, “how” they were making choices, and “how” they were motivating and inspiring the teams that report to them. Then second after “how” is “why” they were doing what they were doing. “Why” did they make a certain decision, and “why” did they think a particular action was motivational or inspirational?

These more strategic elements of a conversation take some curiosity on the part of the leader. If the leader has a good question around “what” the associate is doing, then they can implement Lewis’s idea of opening your ears and shutting your mouth. 

One on One Philosophies

After we finished this discussion on having productive one-on-one conversations he asked if I had any philosophies on the one-on-one meeting. 

 I do indeed have some philosophies on one-on-ones. Every good philosophy should have a pillar or two on which it is built. So let me offer this as the anchor to my take on the one-on-one meeting.

Philosophical Pillar: People need to feel connected to their supervisors.

The one-on-one meeting is the opportunity for you to connect the associate to yourself and the organization. This is where you build your relational trust. So your focus and undivided attention are necessary for the associate to feel heard and understood. 

Rules of Engagement

I think to build trust, you need to have some rules or boundaries. These need to be communicated to the associate. 

You can set your own rules, just keep in mind the philosophical pillar and ensure the rules you set along with your philosophy.

Here are my 4 rules for engagement in one-on-one meetings:

• Associate sets the agenda. If the supervisor has a need they should set up a separate meeting.

• If the subordinate has nothing to update, then they cancel the meeting. The supervisor never cancels the meeting, they can only reschedule and it has to be within 1 working day. Too many canceled meetings mean that I am not building the kind of trust I need to be effective as a leader.

• For the subordinate, I suggest 4 types of one-on-one meetings. Alternating between these types helps to prevent the meetings from being monotonous. 

• I like a weekly meeting cadence, alternating between the 4 types. 

4 Types of one-on-one meetings

1. Project updates- Usually occur biweekly

2. Professional Development- Occurs monthly or every other month

3. People update- Occurs monthly or every other month

4. Strategic Vision-Quarterly

So it might look something like this as it is implemented:

Week 1- Project update

Week 2- People update

Week 3-Professional Development

Week 4- Strategic Vision

Week 5-Project update

Week 6-People update

Week 7-Professional Development

Week 8-Project Update

Week 9-People Update

Week 10-Professional Development

Week 11-Project Update

Week 12-Strategic Vision

The Leader sets the expectation

I think the most important thing to remember is that you as a leader need to set the expectation for what these meetings need to look like. Then turn the implementation of the meeting over to your associate. If you give them the big picture and the framework, you then have the capacity to open your ears and really listen to the associate. Helping them feel valued and heard is a big part of what your leadership is all about.

Beyond Thanks-Giving

A few weeks ago my wife and I decided to watch A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood on Amazon Prime Video. I don’t have a lot of specific childhood memories about watching the show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, that the movie is based on. I find this sort of strange because I watched a significant amount of television as a youngster. I just don’t have the memories of the show like I do when watching, say, Ferguson Jenkins throw the first pitch for the Chicago Cubs at 1:05 pm on a specific day. I probably should have some impactful memories because Mr. Rogers Neighborhood launched nationally in the US in 1968, and I was 7 years old, but I do not. 

My wife, on the other hand, has very vivid memories of the show. She loved the puppet characters Fred developed in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe and the messages delivered to kids on how to be kind, how to respect others, and how to be grateful. 

So, when we watched Tom Hanks portray Mr. Rogers in the movie, I was captivated by Fred Rogers' kindness. If I did have a memory of Fred Rogers before that, if I am honest, I would have said he was weak. 

I was so wrong.

There is a scene in the movie where the filming of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is being produced. After the shot, Fred walks backstage to see the video. “That's good,” he says. And then he thanks everyone for their work. It just struck me that these folks were all just doing their jobs and yet he took the time to thank them and I got the sense he meant it to the point that they felt valued. In another scene, he thanks a guy who has a different perspective than his. He does not argue with the guy, does not try to convince him to see it his way, but he just thanks him for sharing his perspective.  

As someone who works with leaders on emotional intelligence, this was riveting theater!

Put this genuine kindness (which is displayed throughout the entire movie) Fred exudes, with this scene in a diner where Fred is having lunch with a guy who has lots of problems. The guy describes himself as “broken.”

The guy says to Fred, “You love people like me.”

Fred: “What are people like you? I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life?”

Guy: “Broken people.”

Fred: “I don’t think you are broken. I know you are a man of conviction. A man who knows the difference between what is wrong and what is right….”

What strikes me about all of this is that, at least as Tom Hanks portrays him, Fred Rogers had this genuine empathic perspective for people. For individual people. It seems to me his goal was not to be right, or to be powerful, or to be famous. It seems that Fred Rogers just wanted to understand where others were coming from.

What I noticed as I watched this movie was that Fred Rogers was more than just thankful. Instead, he had a spirit of gratitude. While we often use these words interchangeably in our lexicon, I have started to see them differently. Very much like I am understanding there to be a difference between happiness and joy. 

Happiness is contextual and can change moment by moment. Joy is an attitude, a state of mind. 

Shawn Taylor, in his chapter in the book titled The Gratitude Project summed up quite well how I am coming to see the difference between thankfulness and gratitude:

“A ‘thanks’ is about courtesy. It is acknowledging that someone has done something for you. I also feel like thankfulness is outwardly focused. I experience it as being transactional. On the other hand, gratitude is simultaneously inwardly and outwardly focused. You appreciate what’s been done to or for you, you appreciate the person or thing for providing you with the assistance or experience, and you recognize how they have made your life better, even if it is just for a moment.”

Giving thanks is contextual and transactional. Gratitude is an attitude of the heart and a state of mind. 

You can give thanks and not be grateful. If you are grateful, you are always finding ways to give thanks. Perhaps this is something to reflect on for the Thanksgiving tradition this year?

Around our Thanksgiving tables this year, what if rather than focusing on what we feel is right, or what we believe, we instead tried to understand where others were coming from? Don’t defend yourself. Don’t argue. Resist being proud or smart or right. Just try to understand the other person and be grateful they are in the room with you. 

For many of us, me included, this takes a change in what we think AND how we act.

As I reflect on this I am reminded of what C.S. Lewis writes,

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird. It would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

The choice for us as leaders is to grow or go bad. Trying to fly as an egg or hatch into a bird seems to be the choice Lewis is saying we have.

Richard Rohr writes,

"You do not think yourself into a new way of living as much as you live yourself into a new way of thinking.” As leaders, if we want to learn to have a heart of gratitude we must start living that way. You can think, and plan, and strategize all you want. It will do you no earthly good in going from an egg to a bird. Nor will it help you grow wings on your shell. You have to crack open the shell and fly.”

Are you curious about how to do this - how to act so you learn how to think?

I might suggest a model for you to consider. What about Fred Rogers? Why not make watching A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood part of your Thanksgiving tradition? I know you will be blessed. I also guarantee it will motivate you to have a heart of gratitude. 

If anything, it has to do more for your development as a human than watching the Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day.